[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
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I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.