*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
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What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My inexpensive home security system…
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille