rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
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Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
こいつ天才
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.