Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
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If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes