mechanics be like
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MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
i have one speed and it’s mosey
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
WTF