Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My five year plan is a meteorite
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.