In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
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Expectations vs. Reality
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
just got my engagement photos
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here