Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
You Might Also Like
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
For anyone who needs this today
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!