“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
so i’m at the stock market right
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩