me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
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Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol