Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”