I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
You Might Also Like
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Can’t. Being lazy.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Spring cleaning checklist…
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.