DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
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Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.