THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.