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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Lmao
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.