Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
me, too, girl. me, too.