– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
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Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.