Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.