I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
🤣😂
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.