I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
You Might Also Like
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit