90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
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The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I love wikipedia
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
this makes me so uncomfortable
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Noted.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar