Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Friends that check up on you >
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…