Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
You Might Also Like
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Denise please return my vape pen
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.