When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much