BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician