Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
lost dog
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.