Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.