[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
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Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“How’s your day going?”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.