HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
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Jurassic park gets weird
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
LOOOOOOL
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe