Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.