Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
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Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
and now we wait
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”