judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Fights fire with marshmallows
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.