Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.