What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
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Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Nice try, poison.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.