Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Message from the dog groomers
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life