It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The devil.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here