We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
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Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
So sick of all these stupid rules
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.