Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
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ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I pray every night that I never become religious…
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.