THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.