Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure