Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.