When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
You Might Also Like
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
No chill.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*