[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
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It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
a fate I wish upon no one
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I love art.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Me as a therapist: omg same
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.