[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
How does one answer this?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Schrödinger’s cookie
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.