Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
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Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*