[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
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Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Ummm
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.