Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.