my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.