I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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I can’t be the only one 😂
Weirdly Wednesday.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
That’s it.I’m out.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.