the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
You Might Also Like
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
PLEASE READ
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.